I recently watched Weekend at Bernie’s for the first
time since I was a kid for two reasons. One, it was the 30th
Anniversary this year. And, two, I wanted to see if I still liked it as an
adult. Yes, I laughed at certain parts. But you can enjoy something while recognizing
how utterly stupid it is. And this is a very stupid movie.
Richard (Jonathan Silverman) and Larry (Andrew McCarthy) are co-workers at an insurance company. They discover a scam going on and report it to their boss, Bernie (Terry Kiser). Little do they know that Bernie is behind the insurance swindling. He asks his mafia buddy, Vito, to kill his employees that weekend at his beach house. But instead, Vito orders his hitman, Paulie, to whack Bernie. Not a good idea to screw a mob boss’ girlfriend, Bern. Cut to Richard and Larry showing up at Bernie’s house and finding him dead. What does a sensible person do? Fools, there are no sensible people in this movie! Instead of going to the cops, the guys pretend that Bernie is alive so they can still hang at his beach house. Hijinks ensue.
For the rest of the movie, Larry and Richard bumble around
with Bernie’s body. There’s Bernie hanging at the cocktail party, being taken away
by the tide, and even waterskiing. He’s also “killed” again. And again. Paulie
really is the dumbest hitman of them all. And let’s not even talk about Bernie’s
girlfriend having sex with his corpse. For 30 minutes. No words.
The good things about Bernie’s? Well, Silverman and
McCarthy make for a good comedy duo. Any other actors would have made this a more
painful experience. But these two are likeable and they seem to be having a
good time. Their characters are idiots, but they’re nice idiots. Lister is also
well cast. Even though he spends 90% of the movie just being thrown around or
falling over things, he excels at it. I have to give points to Bernie’s beach house
too. It’s the 80s-ist house there ever was on film. Crazy colors, enormous
couches, and glass block walls. It really is a character itself. The title
character, if you think about it.
So, this movie doesn’t hold up so well. Not that it had much
to work with. But it’s still kinda fun. Also, what’s more absurd than Weekend
at Bernie’s? The fact that there was a Weekend at Bernie’s 2!
When I was a little kid, I fell in love with soap operas.
Yes, I watched the normal kid shows, like cartoons or dumb sitcoms. But around
10 years old soaps became my thing. I took a peek in at almost every show at
that time. But my absolute favorite was One Life to Live. It was pure amazingness.
The history, stories, and characters. I watched it from sometime in the 80s
until it went off the air in 2012. This year OLTL would have celebrated its 51st
anniversary. The show may be gone (damn you ABC), but my memories of it and the
denizens of Llanview live on. So, to celebrate I’m making a list of my Top 10
OLTL characters.
10. Billy Douglas
Billy (Ryan Phillippe) has a special place in my heart. He
was the first gay teen TV character. Like Billy, I was a young teen coming to
terms with my sexuality. It helped so much to have a character like that on TV.
On my favorite show no less. Representation in the media is very powerful. A
young Phillippe made his acting debut in the part in 1992. He brought so much
to the role, playing Billy’s vulnerability and ultimately his strength. It’s
too bad the character was written out after only a year. But he still managed
to make a huge impact at that time and years beyond.
9. Megan Gordon
Megan (Jessica Tuck) was brought on as Viki Buchanan’s long-lost
daughter. Viki had a few of those. She had similar trials to her mother: love
triangles, heartbreak, and multiple personalities. But she was her own person.
Fiery, independent, and quick-witted. It was unfortunate when Tuck decided to
leave the show and they wrote Megan out. Her soap death broke my 12-year-old
heart. So many tears. But at least she came back as an angel from time to time.
8. Max Holden
Sexy, charming, and sometimes dangerous. Max (James DePaiva) was the bad boy that people loved. Even when he was doing wrong, you still rooted for him. And nothing was better than his toxic romance with Gabrielle Medina. Or his equally explosive one with Blair. In later years, he got a bit watered down. But Max was always a pleasure to see onscreen.
7. Tea Delgado
Tea (Florencia Lozano) came to town as a ruthless lawyer, ready to
decimate any opponent. She was ridiculously smart and cunning. Everyone’s go-to
lawyer. Especially Todd Manning. That was a delightfully dark
client/attorney/husband/wife relationship. But she had a softer side at times.
She cared about her community and her loved ones. And she had the best frenemy
relationship (this side of Viki & Dorian) with Blair. A truly multi-faceted,
rich character.
6. Blair Cramer
Two actresses played Blair over the course of the show. One Asian
and one white. Yeah, that really happened. It was the 90s. Mia Korf was first.
She was the scheming ice princess; ready to take down anyone or use them for
her own gain. After Korf left the show Kassie DePaiva came on as Blair. I was
reluctant to accept her in the role, but over time I grew to love her
portrayal. She softened some of Blair’s edges while still remaining razor
sharp. Fighting for (or with) her family and working her way to the top. And
pushing a bitch out a window, if necessary. You didn’t want to mess with Blair.
5. Natalie Buchanan
Natalie (Melissa Archer) was one of the most polarizing characters
on OLTL. You either hated her or loved her. I fell in the latter category,
always ride or die for my girl. She was the bad girl turned heroine, suffering
through several kidnappings, lost loves, and that dolt John McBain. Ugh Jolie. She
was always getting involved in some tragedy, much like her mother, Viki. I
loved their relationship, btw. But through it all Natalie kept going. Always
the fighter.
4. Dorian Lord
It’s easy to call Dorian (Robin Strasser) a villain. Yes, she was treacherous, devious, and a pathological liar at times. And she kinda killed a man. Only kinda because of the retcon. But underneath that armor of bitchery was a huge heart. She loved her family and some of her husbands. And even Viki at times. Strasser was one of the best actresses on the show and in daytime in general. Dorian’s death row storyline really stands out as a winning moment. Strasser could turn any plot, no matter how small, into gold.
3. Viki Lord
All roads lead back to Viki (Erika Slezak). She was the heart of
the show from the very beginning. It was her life to live. For years we saw
drama swirl around her. A horrendous father, a career in journalism, a long
line of husbands (many who died on her), dissociative identity disorder,
numerous Dorian schemes, and enough maladies to kill the average man (well she
actually did go to heaven…twice). Slezak deserved all six of the Emmys she won,
if not more. There’s no better actress in daytime.
2. Gabrielle Medina
Coming in at a VERY close 2nd is Gabrielle (Fiona
Hutchison). Usually female characters go from bad to good in some dumb
redemptive arc. But Gabrielle went from virginal ingenue to one of the baddest
bitches in Llanview. I grew to love her during a twisty baby switch storyline.
So, she swapped a few brats? She had her reasons. I could excuse any Gabrielle
scheme. And I wanted her to be with Max. Even though they were horrible for one
another. You can’t deny the heat they had. But whether she was entrenched in a
bad romance or on her own, Hutchison always shined in the role. And she did it
with great hair. Can’t say enough about that hair!
1. Tina Lord Roberts
Tina, Tina, Tina (Andrea Evans)! There is no better character, in
my opinion, in soap opera history. Sorry Erica Kane. Tina was everything for
me. Most importantly she was the reason why I started watching One Life. One of
the first scenes I remember watching was when she accidentally killed her wicked
mother-in-law, Maria, by spilling poison on her. Of course, Maria was trying to
kill Tina, so she had it coming. Tina was always getting involved in crazy
stuff like that. This is the same woman who went over a waterfall (while
pregnant) and lived to tell the tale. Typically, her own schemes put her in
these precarious positions. She always wanted more. More love, money, jewels!
And she never went about getting these things in the right way. How boring
would that be? Unfortunately, Tina got derailed when Evans had to leave the
show because of a crazed real-life stalker. She made a return years later, but
was bogged down by bad writing. Luckily, before the show ended, she came back
one more time and had a happy (and zany Tina-like) ending with her long-time
love (and four-time husband) Cord.
Even though the show has ended and these characters are out of sight, they’ll always be in my heart (sorry for the cheesiness). And on YouTube. Cause you only have One Life to Live! Dun, dun, dun!
Twenty years ago, Destiny’s Child released their second
studio album, The Writing’s on the Wall. It would go on to be certified
8x platinum, launch four hit singles, and garner multiple Grammy nominations. Instead
of focusing on that success most people remember the revolving DC lineup at the
time. Originally it was Beyonce, Kelly, LaTavia, and LeToya. Then LaTavia and
LeToya were dropped. Michelle and Farrah were added. But Farrah got kicked out
pretty quickly. So, by mid-2000 the group was a trio. That’s a lot of change
for the Children. But the one constant was an impressive R&B album that
deserves more attention than the controversy going on at the time. So, let’s
celebrate TWOTW and rank its 14 songs.
14. Sweet Sixteen
This isn’t so sweet at all. SS deals with a young girl
looking for the love that she was never given growing up. She meets a bad guy,
gets pregnant, and ends up alone and sad. It’s a cautionary tale for other
teenagers not to move so fast. A very well-intentioned, but oh so boring tale.
The lyrics are clunky and the melody itself is fairly stale. And in the end,
it’s an after-school special set to music. But I’ll give it a few points for
sampling Diana Ross’ “Theme from Mahogany (Do You Know Where You’re Going To).
13. Hey Ladies
Hey Ladies (and gentlemen) could this song be more basic? So,
this woman’s boyfriend is doing her wrong. He’s lying and running around on her
with a Tenderoni. He’s got to go…got to go. This dumb song needs to go as well.
It’s supposed to be an anthem for women to get rid of their crappy men, but it
doesn’t stir up much energy. I’ve heard better rallying songs. Some, from
Destiny’s Child!
12. Confessions (featuring Missy Elliott)
These are some lame confessions. In a couple of verses, she tells
her man about the things she did behind his back. Cheating, taking his credit
card to buy some clothes, blah, blah. Nothing really scandalous. What’s
surprising is how tired this song is. You’d think a DC/Missy Elliott
collaboration would be on fire. Not so much as it turns out.
11. Now That She’s Gone
Kelly’s ex has come crawling back after getting dumped by
his current chick. He treated his now-ex much better, so he has a lot of nerve
trying to step to Kelly again. It’s a pretty dick move. This one is just ok.
Not horrible, nor great. My biggest question is why is the song over 5 minutes?
The story could have been expressed much more succinctly.
10. Stay
A nice ballad. The vocals are beautiful. But it’s fairly tame.
The melody is quite dated, sounding like something from the 80’s or early 90’s.
And the writing is weak. She’s begging her man not to leave her, promising to
grant all of his wishes if he doesn’t walk out. Really? That’s too desperate.
Just let him go, girl.
9. If You Leave (featuring Next)
Matching up DC with fellow R&B group Next was a good
decision. Their voices blend well together on this track about two people
contemplating leaving their current partners for each other. The song itself is
kinda repetitive and it ends with a lot of wailing from both groups. But it’s
not so bad for the most part.
8. She Can’t Love You
It’s hard to name a more sultry and shady song. Beyonce sees
her ex’s new girlfriend and basically comes to the conclusion that this chick
sucks. She could never compete with B. But, really, who could follow that first
act? This new girl was doomed from the start. I like Beyonce’s husky vocals on
the verses. Even better is the sample of Bola Sete’s “Bettina”. The Brazilian
guitarist’s original track adds so much flavor.
7. So Good
This is a kiss off to all the haters who thought DC would
fail. They want them to know that they’re doing so, so, so good. It sounds like
a precursor to DC’s “Survivor”. Same concept of boasting about how they’re
doing much better than those people who doubted them. There’s even a similar
presenting of their album sales receipts. It’s not so, so, so, good, but it’s alright.
6. Bug A Boo
This Bug A Boo is doing way too much. Calling non-stop,
following Beyonce everywhere, emailing her like whodunit. It’s pretty serious
if she wants to break her lease so she can move. On the flip side, who knew a
song about a stalker could be so fun? This is a bombastic track that anyone can
dance (or stalk) along too. Also, there are so many great outdated references.
MCI, pagers, AOL! Very 1999.
5. Where’d You Go
Oh, baby where’d you go? Beyonce’s man has dipped out on her
(seriously) and she’s dying for him to come back. It’s driving her crazy. Again,
girl, let him go. But in the meantime, you have this smooth track to comfort
you. I love all the layered vocals here. Whoa, whoa, whoa…
4. Temptation
Basically, DC is tempted to forget about their man and run
off with another. His body is calling them. This could have been a single from
the album. It’s playful and sexy. Also, “Oops, I forgot I got a man” is the
best random lyric on this album
3. Jumpin’, Jumpin’
This was the last single released from the album, but far
from the weakest. I love how the song revs up an explodes sonically. I
challenge you not to bounce around with them. And the quick vocal delivery
really takes you there. While making it nearly impossible to sing-a-long
accurately.
2. Bills, Bills, Bills
This is a close runner-up for the top spot. Clever writing
and a wicked beat. It’s the best She’kspere production on the album. Everyone
assumes it was about a woman demanding that a man take care of her financially.
But really, she’s asking him to be on par with her. He’s been taking her money,
car, etc. She doesn’t want a scrub…. that’s another She’kspere song.
1. Say My Name
One of the best songs of 1999. Period. And definitely the
best on the album. There was a time in 1999/2000 when you couldn’t escape it.
On the radio, in a club, or on TRL. And I didn’t mind. Once you heard that
opening chorus and those chords, you were hooked. There’s the relatable
sing-song lyrics, a masterful production from Rodney Jerkins (Darkchild 99!),
and beautiful vocals from all the ladies. It deserved to be a number #1 hit and
a lasting legacy for this amazing group. Better say their names!
I heard “My Sharona” for the first time when I saw Reality
Bites in 1994. In the movie, Winona Ryder’s character and her friends are
raiding a gas station food mart when the song comes on the radio. They ask the
clerk to crank up the volume and start dancing manically, next to the twinkies.
It’s a wacky scene made more memorable by the song choice.
The dunna dunna dun dun beat (as the professionals call it) really
stays in your head. I wonder if The Knack knew they were creating such an
earworm back in 1979. Lead singer Doug Fieger wrote the song about his actual
girlfriend, Sharona. It’s basically about some guy trying to get with the hot
girl he’s obsessing about. Simple and to the point lyrics. But the beat,
stuttering vocal delivery, and guitar riffs make it more impactful. It’s also a
bit of a throwback itself, with a sound some have likened to the bands from the
British Invasion in the 60s. The track went to #1 on the Billboard 100 in the
summer of ‘79, staying there for 6 weeks. And it became The Knack’s best-known
song.
In the 80’s, Run-D.M.C. sampled “My Sharona” (without permission from The Knack) for their song “It’s Tricky”. The music goes perfectly with their rap, reinventing it for a new audience. Funny enough, I first heard “It’s Tricky” when I saw Can’t Hardly Wait in 1998. This just proves that movie soundtracks can introduce you to great songs from the past you wouldn’t have otherwise heard.
Midnight Cowboy is celebrating it’s 50th
Anniversary this year. Despite being a half a century old, though, it holds up.
I think that’s mainly because the heart of John Schlesinger’s Oscar winning movie
is a friendship. An unlikely one. One that starts off on the wrong foot, with a
lie. But in the end, it’s the only thing that really matters. Jon Voight and
Dustin Hoffman deliver terrific performances as two outcasts who find some sort
of solace with one another.
Joe Buck (Voight), a virile young man in a small Texas town,
heads to New York to make it as a hustler. Not exactly #careergoals, but that’s
his dream. He’s going to service rich Park Avenue ladies and make a fortune. So,
he quits his dishwasher job at the local diner and hops on a bus for NYC.
What’s interesting is how optimistic and joyful he is about this move. He just
knows everything is going to turn out his way. He’s young, good looking,
dressed like a cowboy, and can make love for hours. It just occurred to me that
this could be the premise for a porn flick. No wonder this film was rated X. Anyways,
things don’t go quite as planned for Joe. And his hustling career gets off to
the rocky start.
Meeting Ratso Rizzo (Hoffman) doesn’t help things. Ratso is
the complete opposite of Joe. Unattractive, sickly, and run down. Compared to
hopeful Joe, Ratso is jaded and hardened. He doesn’t see any opportunity in NYC.
Not unless he’s conning it out of someone. Poor naïve Joe doesn’t see the con
coming. Ratso promises to introduce him to
a man who can basically be his pimp. The intro comes for a fee of course. The
pimp turns out to be a crazed religious fanatic who scares the hell out of Joe.
And the audience. Soon after Joe hasn’t made any progress with his hustling. He
ends up broke, kicked out of his hotel, and desperate. So desperate that he
picks up a gay man and allows the guy to give him a blow job. Since Joe has the
worst luck, it turns out the john has no money to pay him. Always ask for the
cash up front, man.
Enter Ratso…again. Joe runs into the con man and basically
wants to beat the crap out of him. Ratso doesn’t have his money, but he can
offer a place to live. In a condemned building. Joe can’t be choosy and accepts.
Ratso isn’t just trying to avoid a beating with this invitation. He doesn’t
want to be alone. Even though he barely knows Joe, he’s somebody. And Joe is
probably thinking the same. Ratso even offers to be Joe’s pimp. During this
time the two get to know each other more as they struggle to get by. They get
into a debate about Joe’s cowboy getup. Ratso thinks the look is stupid. Joe
defends his clothes and says they make him feel good. I like the vulnerability
Voight shows in this scene. Later in the film, Ratso and Joe break into a shoe
shine stand. Ratso shines Joes shoes and talks about how his father had this
same job for years until it basically killed him. Ratso is determined not to go
out like that. There’s another great sequence with the pair dancing around
their icy apartment to keep warm. They’re listening to a jingle on Joe’s
beloved radio. The one he’s had with him throughout the film. They dance all
the way to the pawn shop where he sells it. It’s depressing, but necessary for
their survival. On a sunnier note, one
of my favorite JoeRat (just made that up) scenes is when Ratso daydreams about
moving to Florida with Joe and hitting it big with the rich ladies down there.
Seeing the two of them frolicking on the beach is worth the price of admission
alone. It’s manic and weird and wonderful.
After a random encounter takes them to a crazy Warholesque
party, things take a turn. Not so good for Ratso, who is getting sick and takes
a header down a flight of stairs. But Joe ends up meeting Shirley (Brenda
Vaccaro), a rich woman who wants to sleep with him. And pay! I’ll skip over the
erotic cribbage game and get to Shirly offering to introduce Joe to her friends
who also want to partake in his services. His luck is finally turning around.
Well it was for a second. Joe gets back home to find Ratso
is deathly ill. He can’t even walk, but he refuses to go to the hospital.
Instead, he begs Joe to get him to Florida. Hoffman does an amazing job of
conveying Ratso’s dread and weakness in this scene. The hardness he had is
gone. After a disturbing encounter where Joe beats and robs a john, he and
Ratso board a bus to Florida. They’re off to a brand-new life. And then Ratso
dies on the bus. It’s heartbreaking. They were so close to finally winning. The
bus driver says they’ll carry on since there’s nothing they can do for him. Joe
puts his arm around Ratso, holding him. It’s an incredibly sad and sweet moment.
The film ends with an amazing shot, looking in thru the bus window at the two
friends in their final moment together.
**BONUS**
Harry Nilsson’s “Everybody’s Talkin” is the perfect
soundtrack to this story. As beautiful and haunting as the scenes it accompanies.
I remember exactly where I was on May 21, 1999. In my
apartment, with my friend Jessica, watching Susan Lucci win her Emmy. Where
else would I be? Back then I would never miss an Emmy telecast. I was a huge soap
opera fan, having watched them since I was 10 years old. All My Children and
One Life to Life were my favorites. But I had checked in on most of the other
shows, at one point or another. Every soap fan, no matter which one they
favored, knew Susan Lucci, though.
Susan played Erica Kane on All My Children since day one
(January 5, 1970). Over the course of serval decades and episodes, Erica had
done everything. So many careers, husbands, and bitchslaps. When you thought of
soaps you thought of her. And then her history with the Emmys was a soap opera
in itself. For 19 years (non-consecutively) Susan had been nominated in the
Lead Actress category. And every year she lost. That’s a lot of disappointment.
And a lot of fake smiles after the camera cuts to your losing face.
It’s not that she was a bad actress. She just wasn’t an Emmys
actress, I suppose. It also didn’t help that she chose so-so clips for her
submissions. While everyone else was doing serious drama, she did camp. But in
1999 she submitted scenes where Erica was dealing with her young daughter
Bianca’s eating disorder. The change must have resonated with voters. Or maybe
they were worried that the world would truly end in Y2K and they’d never have
the chance to give Lucci an Emmy before it did. Who knows?
But, finally, that historic night arrived. Shemar Moore, a popular actor from The Young
and the Restless, was in charge of presenting the Lead Actress category. They
played the clips of all five actresses and then it was time to open the
envelope. As soon as Shemar shouted, “The streak is over…” I knew, as did
everyone else, that she had won. The crowd in the auditorium lost its mind! As
did I. I gasped and leapt to my feet with them. Jessica had to tell me to stop
saying “Oh My God!” I couldn’t help it. The seemingly impossible had happened.
Susan took to the stage. It felt like the standing ovation would never end. She was still in a state of shock, but she managed to give a great speech. Touching, sweet, and funny. It went on for quite some time despite efforts to play her off. You can see it in all its glory on YouTube. 20 years later, it still makes me weepy. She wrapped up with a very dramatic proclamation, fitting for a soap queen, “I’m going back to that studio on Monday and I’m going to play Erica Kane for all she’s worth!” A truly soaptastic moment.
On April 23, 1979 ABBA came out with their sixth studio
album Voulez-Vous. Similar to their previous efforts, V-V was very successful
across the world. It went to number #1 in several countries and produced hit
singles. With this album, the group stepped up their disco sound while staying
true to their roots. 40 years later, here’s how each track breaks down for
worst to best.
10. Does Your Mother Know?
Trust me, she doesn’t want to know about this song. I’ll be
blunt. A song without Agnetha and Frida on lead doesn’t work. Bjorn is fine,
but I don’t want to hear about him flirting with some jailbait. I’m also not a
fan of the attempt to add a 50s/60s rock n’ roll flavor to the song. This is
ABBA, not Happy Days.
9. I Have a Dream
There are better ABBA ballads out there. Like “The Winner Takes It All”. I know not
all ABBA songs can be winners (yeah, I did that), but this one is especially
dull and mopey. It just lays there. A flat little dream that never takes off.
The children’s choir doesn’t help either. Sorry, kids. I know, I’m heartless.
8. Chiqitita
I’m surprised this was the lead single off the album when
there are so many better choices. See below. This song feels very middle of the
road and generic to me. Not a great introduction to the world for your new
album. Also, I always felt like Chiqitita was the lame cousin of “Fernando”.
Maybe because they were placed back to back on the ABBA Gold Album. In any
case, the group has done better Spanish-adjacent material.
7. The King Has Lost His Crown
Frida takes the lead here, singing about an old love who has
lost his mojo. His new girl is leading him around and he can’t do a thing about
it. He just has to cry for her. Poor king. But good for us. This is cool little
track. Subtle by this group’s standards. It almost feels like a Yacht Rock song
with it’s easy vibe. ABBA meets Steely Dan.
6. Lovers (Live a Little Longer)
A doctor has announced that lovers live longer. So, making
love is the key to staying alive. It’s the new fountain of youth. Mmmmk. There’s
a “Doctor’s Orders” connection to be made somewhere. Also, how voyeuristic that
they don’t care who sees them getting busy. Sassy, ABBA. Wacky lyrics aside,
this is an alright song. The slight funky feel is a nice touch.
5. Kisses of Fire
I like the pretty ethereal start, with just the vocal. It
climbs and climbs until the beat kicks in.
Then it’s a soaring chorus with a fast delivery. This didn’t really need
the disco strobe-like beat. But it doesn’t hurt it either.
4. Angel Eyes
Seeing your ex with his new piece is never fun. Especially
when you find out he’s running the same game on them that worked on you. How uninspired.
But, really, how hypnotizing are those eyes anyways? As mesmerizing as this
song, maybe. You can’t help but get caught up in it all. I don’t care if I have
to pay the price. Ah-ha-ha.
3. As Good as Knew
I can’t say enough about the intro with the strings. And
then that awesome beat jumps out at you. It’s like classical meets disco. Like Beethoven
getting down at Studio 54. An odd mix, but it really works. You almost don’t
need any words. But some fun lyrics about staying in love together forever and that
“mamamamamama” make it even better. Big points for that bridge too.
2. If It Wasn’t for Nights
The nights are hard, man. You’re going about your
day-to-day. Appointments and stuff. But then you get home after 5pm and all you
can think about is that lost love. We’ve all been there. A good ABBA song is a
nice remedy though. This danceable gem is especially comforting. You may be
alone staring at the walls, but at least you have something to bop along to.
*Bonus* Check out the BBC TV performance of this song from ’79. Typical tacky
ABBA costumes. Definitely lip-synched. But Frida steals the show with her
playful dancing. It’s a little nutty and I enjoy it
1. Voulez-Vous
This is simply the best track on the album. Disco at its
finest. As if ABBA had a baby with Chic. It’s hard to top the intro from AGAK,
but this does. The guitar revs you up for what’s to come. Those hand claps and
the ah-ha’s. Then the horns kick it all into overdrive. You have to get up and
dance when this comes on. There’s even a breakdown perfect for a Soul Train
line. A very Swedish line, but fun none the less.
In 1979 Diana Ross came out with The Boss. For this album, she teamed up with Nick Ashford and Valerie Simpson, yet again, to create one of the most successful records of her career. Her first solo effort to be certified gold. The songs she came up with represent a mix of r&b, disco, and soul. Some are fantastic. Some, not so much.
Here are The Boss tracks ranked from worst to best…
8. I’m in the World
This song does not belong in the world. IITW is the last
track and you can see why it was buried there. I believe it’s supposed to be a
powerful anthemic ballad about being strong in the face of adversity. At least
that was the goal. But the execution is a meandering mess. Bad lyrics, sleepy
melody, and absolutely no hook. Just a repetition of the title. The one saving
grace is Diana’s vocal. It’s quite beautiful. If only the song was worthy of her.
7. All for One
This is a small step up from I’m in the World. Very small. The song is slightly more entertaining. But it ends up being the poor man’s version of “Reach Out and Touch (Somebody’s Hand)” none the less. We’re all in this together, love your brother, a house divided can’t stand. Insert your cliché of choice, this song has it. But a bunch of mashed up sayings don’t add up to something I’d want to listen to more than once.
6. Sparkle
How funny that Diana would have a song that shares its name with
a movie that was widely believed to be a takeoff of her life with the Supremes.
If only the song had such drama. Instead it’s a dull ballad about a man that
came into her life and put the sparkle back in her smile. But then he leaves
her. Is the message that it’s better to have loved and lost? Eh. Who cares? At
least there’s a nice jazzy saxophone break.
5. Once in the Morning
Diana needs loving twice a day. Once in the morning and once
in the evening. Alright then. This song is the love child (I did that
intentionally) of Donna Summer’s “Love to Love You Baby” and “I Need Love”. That’s
not a good thing. Diana should be herself, not Donna. But, if you’re going to
imitate Donna, at least do it well. A basic disco song is not the way to go.
4. I Ain’t Been Licked
Unintentionally funny title aside, this is a pretty good song. An anthem done right for once on this album. She lost her love and everyone expected her to fall apart, but she rose above it all. And she’ll keep rising. She’s a prizefighter who won’t let anyone take her down. I love the strong tone of this song. Big points for the background singers on the chorus. It’s like she has an army behind her.
3. No One Gets the Prize
In this one, Diana and her best friend have a falling out
over a man. First of all, what fool would compete with Miss Ross? She’s a
winner baby! But actually, nobody gets the prize because the guy drops them
both. He was probably tired of all the lies and dirt they were throwing at each
other in order to catch him. So, Diana lost her man and her best friend. But
she still has a funky track to dance to.
2. It’s My House
This comes in at a very close second to the top song on my list. It’s one of my favorites of Diana’s, period. This is the song you play after you get home from the club. You’ve danced your ass off, but you still want to move a little. I love how playful the vibe is here. She coos about her house of love and how not everyone is invited. You gotta follow the rules to ger her. Who knew that describing home ownership could be so sexy?
1. The Boss
Of course, this song is number one. It’s The Boss after all.
Diana thought she had everything figured out about love. But the joke’s on her after
love shows her who’s the boss. A lot of people can relate to this one. You
think you’re in control and then someone flips the script. But it’s a good
thing because you found love after all. Letting go of control is a good thing.
Letting go while dancing it out to this unforgettable disco song is even
better.
** SIDE NOTE**
If you want more Diana Ross/1979 amazingness, I suggest you
take a look at her Caesars Palace concert from that year. You can find the
whole show on YouTube. It has everything you want. Impressive vocals, joyful
energy, that glowing smile, and a skintight shiny jumpsuit that only a Boss
could wear! Ohhh!
The first time I saw the movie Heathers was when I was a teenager, one night in the mid-90s. Comedy Central would show it pretty often. This was back in the days when all the channel had to put on were old movies and TV shows. BSP. Before South Park. I don’t think I fully got it that first time. And since it was on basic cable, I was getting a censored version. But something about it resonated. I loved it right away. Maybe I related because I was in high school at the time. Or maybe I was engaged because it starred my favorite actress from 90210. Or maybe it was the just pure craziness of it all. There is a myriad of reasons. This movie was funny, weird, interesting, surprising, and different from any other teen comedy I’d seen before. Probably because it was so dark. I think this is when I first started to have an appreciation for black comedy. Laughing at something extremely inappropriate is always better. Later on, I was able to catch the uncensored version of Heathers and my love for it grew even more. Fuck me gently with a chainsaw, indeed. Fast forward to 2019 and Heathers
is celebrating its 30th Anniversary. I’ll breakdown why it’s
still my favorite movie after all these years.
Writing & Directing
It all begins with the story. It’s hard to sum it up in one line. I wonder what screenwriter Daniel Waters said when people asked him what his screenplay was about. Here’s a one-liner: A group of bitchy popular high schoolers are decimated by one of their own friends and a sociopathic outsider. That was dramatic. And it doesn’t really do this movie justice. It’s about a lot of things. The pressures of high school, first love, clueless adults, suicide, murder, the media, small town life. And the way that life can SUCK! Waters really crafted a nuanced script about teenagers unlike anything else that was out there at the time. Then Michael Lehmann brought Waters’ vision to life through his direction. Guiding us through the light, moody, and dark moments. This is not a John Hughes movie. Nothing against Hughes at all. But in this movie a lot of these kids aren’t making it past their sixteenth birthdays.
Characters
It’s called Heathers, but Veronica (Winona Ryder) and J.D. (Christian Slater) take center stage. The Bonnie and Clyde of Sherwood, Ohio. Veronica’s life is going along fine as usual. Keggers with kids, forged notes, spaghetti with lots of oregano. Then comes J.D. After a little flirting and an expulsion comes a game of strip croquet. Which then leads to them “accidently” killing Veronica’s best friend (and her worst enemy…same difference). The body count grows from there as J.D. and Veronica go on a little killing spree. It’s a wild ride and you’d think you’d hate these characters. Murder is bad and all that. But they’re just so damn fun to watch. You actually end up rooting for them to be together and get away with their crimes. I don’t think you’d get to that place if anyone other than Ryder and Slater were playing the parts. She brings a vulnerability and sensitivity to Veronica. While Slater dials up J.D.’s brooding and somewhat sinister (while still likeable) nature. It all works so well and the chemistry between them comes through.
Then there are the Heathers: Chandler (Kim Walker), Duke (Shannen Doherty), and McNamara (Lisanne Falk). This is the best clique in cinema. Just my unbiased opinion. Walker plays the icy popular girl to the hilt. She projects such an air of superiority in her scenes while delivering some of the best lines. “They all want me as a friend or a fuck.” It’s incredibly sad that the actress died so young and couldn’t go further in her career. As I mentioned before, Doherty was my favorite on 90210. But even if she hadn’t been, I’d still be endeared to Heather Duke. She starts off so timid and meek, but then has a metamorphosis mid-movie. That bitch was always waiting to come out and Doherty plays it so gleefully. Heather McNamara could have been a forgettable role, but Falk makes you feel for her. She’s not necessarily a nice girl, but she isn’t a beast like her friends. Maintaining that line between the two is impressive.
Fashion
When I was in college, I took a film history class. One time we were divided into groups and given a list of films we could write an essay about. Heathers was not on my group’s list. But it was on another’s. Being a benevolent person, I gave a classmate the lowdown about the use of fashion in the in the film. I don’t remember how she did, but I hope she aced that paper. I digress. The clothes are used brilliantly in this movie to help define the characters. Heather Chandler is the strong leader in red. Heather Duke is green with envy. Heather McNamara is the weak yellow-bellied follower. And Veronica is blue because she’s depressed about all this shit. Throughout the film each girl typically wears their respective color. That makes it really fun to see Heather Duke turn into Chandler and start wearing red after her leader takes a header into a glass coffee table. Heather Chandler’s prized crimson scrunchie is literally the bow on top. And then Veronica steals it and becomes the new sheriff in town at the end of the movie. Who knew a flimsy hair tie could be so powerful?
Aside from the color wheel, everybody is wearing their 80s
finest. The first scenes at Westerburg with Veronica and the Heathers decked
out in their blazers with massive shoulderpads is Working Girl meets school
girl. They turn it out even more at Heather Chandler’s funeral. I kinda don’t
know what the hell they’re wearing, but I like it. Oh, and don’t get me started
on Veronica’s many hats throughout the movie. Or all of Heather Duke’s outfits
in the Big Fun petition montage. What other movie has a petition signing montage?!
Music
The second I hear Syd Straw’s version of “Que Sera Sera” I’m
in a Heathers headspace. It’s so
beautiful and matches perfectly with the opening fantasy sequence. And then they
bookend the movie with the Sly and the Family Stone version of the song. It’s
the soulful gritty cousin of Straw’s rendition. Something you’d hear in a dark
cool bar somewhere. Or after your school nearly blows up.
I have a confession. Up until today I had never listened to
all of Big Fun’s “Teenage Suicide (Don’t Do It)”. I only heard a snippet of the
song in the movie. Why? I don’t know, but I’m disappointed in myself. However,
thanks to a lyric video on YouTube I’m well versed in this batshit tune. It
really gets to the point. Don’t kill yourself, teens. Just bop along to this
ditty.
The rest of the score/soundtrack is made up of moody
instrumentals, synths, and those glorious snaps.
**Bonus**
If it wasn’t for Heathers, we wouldn’t have Heathers the Musical! Teenage suicide set to show tunes. I really enjoyed the stage version. Enough to see it twice when it came to my town. Thank you, Goldstar.
My top 4 songs:
“Beautiful”. A great way to introduce the story and all the players. “And when you’re beautiful. It’s a beautiful freakin’ day!”
“Candy Store”. Delightfully biting and catchy. “Honey what you waiting for…. shut up Heather!”
“Seventeen”. My teen angst bullshit has a torch song. “Fine, we’re damaged. Really damaged.”
“Kindergarten Boyfriend”. Incredibly touching. All you need is that “Ooooooh”.
NostalGeoff 